Need advice on complicated trust situation?

Quick rundown:


.Our marriage was shaky for a long time (each felt lonely)


.We have two kids, 4 and 6


.10 years ago I sent several emails to an escort service, asking about the process, etc ( when, where, how much etc )


.My wife found the emails. I felt sorry, embarrassed, I obviously stopped the BS.





.Now about 8 months ago I found my wife was texting a neighbour guy


. When confronted, she said it was just a friend and that it was about a business she wanted to start.


. That she didn't tell me because she thought I didn't like the business idea.


. I said that was BS, got really mad, and she said ';ok, started as a business thing, but we became friends, but there is nothing going on';.


. Again I didn't believe that and told her ';this is your last chance to tell the truth, I ll get the SMS records from the phone company';.


. Then she said, no no don't do that, ok there were only a few inappropriate messages ( sex stuff, that ';started innocent, and it got out of hand'; ).


.They had this relationship for about 2.5 months, texting constantly all day.


. After confronting her, we had a big argument, blow up, whatever you call it. I felt devastated, humiliated, etc


.That night though I calmed down, said that I would forgive her, that I understood the feeling of being wanted, and that It could ve very well have been me on her shoes.


. I also told her that I was relieved that that was it ( just messages ), and that this was a great opportunity for us to get together again, get close to each other, and work on our marriage.





. After that I went to the guy's house, and told him to leave my family alone. ( the guy lives 4 houses down, this fact alone prevents me from forgetting )





. A week later, I find out she is still sending this guy messages through Facebook, and obviously concealing them from me.


. I confronted her, and she said '; I don't know why I am doing this, I have low self esteem issues, and after you went to his house I felt he would hate me, and I felt that I still had to message, and be nice, and still be liked';. All of which I thought was really fucked up if true, but who am I to judge what is happening in her head. I was personally dumbfounded, in disbelief, I could not believe her poor judgement.


. For the next month and a half I was very depressed, and we were on shaky ground, but I still wanted to keep our marriage together.


. I completely lost trust in her, and got really paranoid about what else I didn't know. Felt that my life was a complete lie.


. In the meantime she was on the phone with her friends and family, trashing me ( ';he is so selfish, he is paranoid that I ll be talking to my friends about stuff I shouldn't ( our personal problems ), or that I ll be talking crap about him to my family, he is like a child, he needs to grow up...'; etc )


. I caught one of this conversations with her mother, and that just sent me to a really deep black hole, which I am still not out of.





. My mental state has changed completely, my work is not the same, I am certainly depressed, very angry, resentful. ( 8 months after )


. I still want to keep the family together, and she says that she does too.


. My mind though is really playing tricks on me, and even though I want to let all that stuff go, and move forward, and be positive; my thoughts don't quite let me. I keep thinking I should distrust her completely. That she ll never be there for me if I need her. That she has no repect whatsoever for me, etc etc etc. It makes my day to day life miserable to say the least.








Can you please comment on this, and give me advice ?





ThanksNeed advice on complicated trust situation?
You two need couples counseling %26amp; fast.


If this keeps up I see either you or her leaving the marriage.Need advice on complicated trust situation?
Therapy, both of you, separately and jointly. NOW.
To be honest with you, This kind of woman that can not control her behavior is unreliable and unstable and I would start a new life away from her if I were you.
Try counseling!
You guys need counseling if both of you are that lonely inside of a relationship.
you def. have a very valid reason to be so upset..demand either she stop the contact with him or she move herself on in with him...she can't help you fix your marriage if she's focused on someone else....
I think your wife talks a lot but don't act much. She wants to keep the marriage together but will keep a 'relationship' behind your back, bad mouth you to her mother etc. Seriously, can you sit down and each write down what you want to change in your marriage, how things should be, what's acceptable what's not and both agree to change. No efforts...no marriage, that's where you're at.





..and like everyone said, invest in counseling.
Wow. I think if you want to keep the marriage together you have to move. I know it sounds extreme, but big decisions call for big actions. She's already formed a bond with this guy and that's going to be hard to break with him being 4 houses down. You don't trust her, she doesn't trust you. Get a therapist and work on this with your wife. You'll have to set up ground rules that you're both comfortable with and follow them to a T. It's not going to be easy but people have gotten over worse.
boss, it is very weak situation there. try couple therapy. if you both are willing there tons of articles on web that you should read together. AT the end of the day, it up to both of you. Do not give up.





I have a one for normal situations but this one is really a big one. I wonder how she can even think like this. you have two kids. I would say go away for few days on vacation. leave kids with grand parents. take one week off to discuss and build back the days you have been happy.