I want to trust my boyfriend again! Any advice?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 15 months now - that's a long time. In the very beginning, he cheated on me and lied to me about it. He also told a few other lies in the beginning. They weren't big lies; he just didn't want to upset me so he decided it'd be better if I just didn't know. That's how a lot of guys think, but it's wrong. Anyway, it's been a very, very long time since all of that happened, but I still have a hard time trusting him. I think by now he has pretty much proved that he loves me and it won't happen again - he even gave me a promise ring, which he knows is a big commitment. Still, whenever we're apart, I still have a hard time trusting him. I don't necessarily think he's going to cheat again, but I'm afraid if he hangs out with ex-girlfriends or any girls for that matter, that he might feel like he wants something new. I'm trying to change my feelings on this, but it's so hard. I feel like I'm ruining his time when we're apart, but I don't want to.I want to trust my boyfriend again! Any advice?
Well, I'm somewhat in the same situation as you, but a bit more complicated. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years and about... 4-5 months ago, I noticed he was getting a bit friendly and close with this girlfriend of one of our mutual friends. I know she called him a couple times because of help with computers or to get me and him to hang out with her and her bf, or to ask where her bf was (since my bf and her bf hung out sometimes). WELL, one day, her car ended up outside his house. I went inside, but no girl was found. She says she was visiting one of our friends or whatever in the neighborhood. She claims that she wasn't at my bfs house and she got picked up by some friends. I have no idea what happened that night, but his mom didn't find her in the house, I didn't see her in the house, and her bf kept an eye on her car the whole day and didn't find her anywhere until she called him (somehow she got home that day) from their house saying she was at home and her friends dropped her off. My boyfriend swears he didn't talk to her that night.. he lied. Because there wasn't evidence of her in the house, I dismissed it, but of course, I did not forget. I always had my suspicions. The girl and bf still hung around with us, then a month later, (we were on vacation at the beach) I listened to his vmails on his phone. SHE left him a vmail saying to call him back because blahblahblah. A couple days before that, she had called him too while I was sitting next to him. He stepped out of the room and walked outside to go talk to his ';friend';. Then I went outside and he said ';yeah, ill give you a call tomorrow okay. bye'; and i asked him who it was.. He said it was his co-worker/friend and got a bit defensive. GEE. He lied to me about that. So after the beach, I got hold of his cell phone bill. Turns out she's called him and they've talked here and there and he DID talk to her that night her car ended up outside his house. Keep in mind -- It was the summer and I slept over at his house every single weekend.. I was with him almost every day during the week except when we were at work... and I slept over a couple times during the week. Even when you think you are with your man 24/7.. **** can still become suspicious. Now, we have had some issues previous to this with him ';flirting'; with some chick so imagine my jealousy and insecurity at this point... 2 years into the relationship. I confronted him and he lied. He said he SWORE he never talked to her... well, BS. I talked to his friends about it and got advice from everyone. Bottom line is she wasn't there and I don't know how they could have met up to even do anything, but it's pretty shady how my own bf can keep talking to her a secret from me. He says he doesnt wanna hurt me and he needed someone to talk to because i apparently kept him away from all his other girl friends. I told him that doesnt give him any reason to lie to me and keep secrets. The reason I even became insecure in the first place was due to his flirting with some other chick. He def. didn't fix it by lying to me. So -- it was hell. Believe me. I still don't have my answer, but basically, I've accepted he's cheated and well after that hell -- 2 weeks later after I confronted him and got his friends involved, they kinda talked to him and he started changing. I don't know what happened, but he did make efforts to try and fix things and gain my trust back. He started hanging out with his friends less and instead of us arguing and being defensive everytime I would accuse him, he would kinda ';take it'; and be calm. He would ask me why I'm feeling that way and what makes me think that. He was on the brink of me breaking up with him, then he just i guess realized he didn't wanna lose me. So all this was in August.. and ever since then, we've had zero issues about girls and how did I overcome it? I still have some issues every now and then.. I know it's hard to forget, it's hard not to think about it when you see him around girls or when you're not with him or sleeping next to him at night... it is HARD.. but you know -- no matter what anyone says, it really comes down to the two of you. For me, I was willing to give the guy another chance and for you, I know you wanna try and make it work. All I can say is that if he is willing to stick it out with you and give his 100% to make you see that he is only about you -- then try to put aside the past and just try to let him earn your trust back. It will be hard, but no matter how long it takes and even if you have some negative thoughts sometimes -- IF he sticks it out with you, then you should know he's all about you. Only you yourself can see if he's really changed. I, too, got a promise ring after all of this and it wasn't because of the incident, but it was also our 2 year anniversary 3 weeks after the confrontation. As for hanging out with ex-girlfriends.... I don't know how that works between you two, but my bf and I have made it a pact that we don't keep contact with our exes. It's just easier that way. There's a reason why you broke up and in order for you to be platonic friends afterwards.. it could take a year or two. But, I do understand the whole insecurity with that. I say, tell your man about it. With other girls -- I say let him chill. Trying to keep a leash on him will seriously just push him away (my own bf said that too). Don't be on his back 24/7, surprise him by letting it be ';okay'; for him to go out with friends one night without you and sometimes, that can change your relationship too. I know what you mean with you feeling like your bf wants something ';new.'; Don't let it get to you. Since you know this is your 2nd time around... give him that space. You can't get that trust back unless you let him go back to the position he was before.. and see if he makes the same mistake again. Be cautious, but keep an open mind also. I say, make sure he knows that you are having trust issues with him but you wanna make it work and he's gotta try to help you out with it. If he's willing to compromise and reassure you if you need to (just remember he can only do so much), then that's great. If not, then you're just wasting your time. Some people do change though -- I believe you on that. Some people learn. Just think that you really can't build on a future without trying to let go of the past. Basically try to start over again... communicating is one thing also. I know it's hard to let go and let him go out with his friends without making it an issue (OH I KNOW -- ive kept him on the phone once too while he was out with his friends). But trying to watch over him 24/7 also just pushes him away. Let him know where you stand and that's all you have to say. If he decides to **** things up with you with his 2nd chance, then that's his decision and you just don't need that. For now, all you can really think about is how he is now. Think about how things are right now, how he is now, and whether he's put you first or not. Think in the present for a second and think about whether there's a big difference from the beginning when he lied and cheated -- if things are more different now (better), then try to give him that space at least and let him earn your trust back and give yourself room to see if/that he won't cheat again. As for me, ever since that confrontation, he's been all about me. I sleep over every weekend and we have our own time or hang out with eachother or together with our friends. During the week, he has a drink or two with his friend maybe 2 or 3 times and even THAT used to bother me.. but slowly, I'm beginning to let him easily say he's going out without me having a fit and he's taken consideration about my feelings. He calls me when he gets home, too. I didn't even have to ask him or tell him to. So far, everything has been great and he's shown me that he's focusing on just us. He always takes into consideration my feelings if we're going out or if we're gonna do something. The trust issue is also getting better. I've slowly let go of the past and put it behind us and we're just focusing on the present and the future. We've also learned how to handle our arguments and issues better. Instead of getting mad at eachother and trying to put it out like ';im right, you're wrong,'; we've learned to tell eachother how we feel and what we think, but also learned to listen to what the other person has to say too... and see it from their perspective. You guys might also want to talk about what you both want out of the relationship. After our 2 years, we both talked and we've told eachother what we wanted out of this relationship. Before even trying to work on the trust issue, you need to make sure you both see eye to eye on what you want. Are you serious about a future? What about school? What about your own beliefs? etc. etc. If you don't even see eye to eye on your relationship, there's more to work on than just trust. Talking to eachother about issues and what we both wanted helped out a lot too.I want to trust my boyfriend again! Any advice?
How can you have a solid relationship without trust??? You can't. If he cheated in the beginning either get over that or get over him. You don't want to be in this relationship for 12 years feeling this way and then find out that your suspicions were right [he's cheating], then it would be harder to get over him. As for now let the past stay in the past and if he is doing anything wrong it will come up. People always tell on themselves by doing something dumb.





I heard [or read] this saying somewhere it said: A Man is not intelligent enough not to cheat but he is intelligent enought to find a woman who will deal with. it.





If you suspect that he's doing dirt, then end the relationship. Because there is no relationship without trust and you have trust issues.





Personally, you sound like a young girl no older than 25 if that. Because this is a situation that I wouldn't deal with as a 27 year old woman.
Why would he be hanging out with his ex?





You have to trust him if your relationship is going to work.





Do you think that he cheated once and lied and learned his lesson or is he a player? Only you know the answer to that.





EDIT:


A mistake is subtracting your checkbook and getting the numbers wrong. A penis falling into a vagina that isn't your wife/fiance/girlfriends is NOT an accident.
I understand what your going through, I used to like this one guy and he lied to me about stuff and it was hard for me to trust him, when I was in 8th grade his friends told me he still liked me but his friends were lying about it. I know its hard,but you can always tell him how you fell about him
I do not have an answer for you as trust is something that has to be earned and not given. It seems he has not worked to earn your trust back, or you do not feel that he has earned it back or you are insecure and this is how you try to keep control. Only you can honestly answer that.





Either way here is something to think about, you have only been together 15 months, and that is not a long time by the way. Think about how you will feel after 5 years and a marriage, do you still want to worry about this guy possibly being tempted by other women? Perhaps this is just not the right guy for you and it's better to let go now and find someone who will make you feel secure enough to trust him.
if u dont have any trust u dont have a relationship its as simple as that
wow. that sounds just like me and my boyfriend. we have been together for a year and 3 months now, and when we first started going out, he cheated on me with his ex (all he did was kiss her) but still....





---anyways, he called me and told me everything and i cried and then i decided that id give him a second chance. after the whole kissing thing, he lied a few times and then this slutty girl who we both knew, hugged him... and considering im a very jealous person, i cried. and was mad at him cause he knew i hated the girl. but the thing is, he didnt hug her back.





he felt so bad for cheating on me and everything that he actually cried over it, and when a boy has the guts to call you and tell you he cheated and then cry over it, you KNOW he would never do it again.





---i had major trouble trusting my boyfriend after all of that, but he surprised me with tons of gifts on valentines day, and a promise ring on our 11 months. ever since the hug thing, we have been perfectly fine (with the exception of a few fights here and there)





...even though he has hurt me in the past, i know for a fact he wont in the future. he is always there for me when i am put down by my family, or when i get hurt. and im always there for him, including when his cousin died back in may...





il always have a little bit of trouble fully trusting him, but deep down i know that he would never hurt me again.
i wouldn't trust him again....





once a cheater always a cheater.
You will never be able to trust him fully again..Trust me on this one...I have the biggest liar and cheater on the planet..He said he learned his lesson but these people just wont change..Once they have the nerve to do it, it won't bother them to do it a second time. Once you start accusing them, they'll get defensive and lie. They'll start calling you a bi*ch. Then make the excuse of ';being friends'; and ';talking'; as a coverup to talking to someone about your relationship problems.
You may want to try to go to couples counseling to deal with trust issues. If you really want to be with him, and he REALLLY wants to be with you, he will agree to go with you. Obviously the lies and the betrayal of cheating has hurt you a lot and you can't get over the fact that he may do it again even though he swears he will never do it again.





If he refuses to go to therapy with you. It may be time to leave him, because if he doesn't want to go with you to work out trust issues then he is not as committed as he says he is.
i think you should give him another chance. whats love without trust? its been a long time and you said you know he hasnt %26amp; that hes proved how much he is in love with you. get some trust and cut him some slack. in the end if he does, he mislead you and broke the promises he made, which isnt your fault or your loss.
I don't think it's an issue of regaining your trust in him. What you really need to work on is your self esteem. You need to believe that you're enough for him and not worry that he's going to go somewhere else.





And a promise ring is not a big thing. Please don't believe that hype.





Good luck,


~Nikki
No trust, no relationship... It is that simple.
well all I have to say is go with what your heart is telling you, trust him but be ready for lies and disappointments (so you won't be totally suprised when he cheats on you again, not that he will fo sure.





I hope you don't get hurt. sorry that it happened at all.
If u have no trust then you have nothing!! like someone posted earlier ';Once a Cheater always a Cheater'; same goes with lying its never ending!!
Not sure how old you are but judging by the gifting of a ';promise ring';, you're still fairly young. I'd just call this relationship a training session and move on. No relationship with this kind of emotion attached has any hope of long-term survival. You have to decide if you just want to be another statistic.
This is the ultimate question. You want to trust him but you'r also on your guard. I believe in giving people a second chance the only thing I'm worried about is that the promise ring is there to divert ur attention. It'd give it another go but please be careful don't expect too much. Let him know that any mistake could mean he loses you forever. Also be honest with him and he may be totally honest with you.
you must not love him if you cant trust him
I had this happen before: he just lied about a lot in the very beginning (stupid stuff, but it all really added up and I couldn't trust him). Then, he got a different job in a social setting, and ended up cheating on me. We broke up. A few months later, he wanted to get back together, and I was really attached to him, so eventually, I agreed to TRY to work things out. I met up with him and talked, and I just knew I could never trust him again, no matter how sorry or remorseful he was that day. I knew I deserved more than him, and I told him that us being together really gave us each a learning experience that we can each carry on for our futures. Now, years later, I'm engaged to a wonderful guy who treats me like a princess, even though I think I don't need that. He doesn't lie to me, and he values honesty and respect in a relationship as much as I do.





My advice: move on, and learn from your mistakes. Just know what to watch out for.
Since you have been together for so long I would suggest that you tell him that and be completly truthful. Tell him that you can not trust him and just talk it over and if he gets mad dump him. He shouldn't get mad about how you feel. If he cheats on you one more time DUMP HIM. Trust me..
Id trust him again. If you dont its going to ruin your relationship. Trust me. If he loves you he's not doing anything.
hunny, once a cheater always a cheater. im sorry. I love my boyfriend SOO much, but if he ever cheated on me, i would kick him to the curb so fast.
he lied to you about little things and had no problem. whats to say he will not lie about cheating. from personal experience, if i ever get lied to again ONCE, its done. no matter how big it is, or little it is. a lie is a lie.